Divorce

[XLR8]

Well boys....I haven't posted much other than stoke material in the past but for some reason turn to this forum now.  Tonight I told my wife I wanted a divorce.  I won't go into the details.  I have three concerns now:  !) I worry for her happiness in life afterwards; 2) I worry for her ability to be fair with our 7 year old adopted daughter, who I have been the primary caretaker for; and, 3) I worry a bit about the reorganization of our 50 acre farm, perfectly situation on the shores of Lake Michigan.  I know I am the one to go. 

Stay the course for the fall/winter and be prepared to move the old Airstream to the Lake MI beach campground 5 miles from the homestead as soon as it is warm enough in Spring.  I can stay pretty actively in the picture that way and also have access to the garage full of my stuff and my boards, and still be on the shoreline, closer actually.  My wife will need my help.  She has a job requiring travel and I have been principal provider for our daughter and the care of her horses, chickens, ducks, peacocks, geese, etc.

Any thoughts are appreciated.  This is a long haul through the tough time of winter to come.  I need to be hopeful about the other side.

 Thanks...

[Zooport]

Is there any way you can tough it out until the kid grows up?  Divorce is really hard on kids.  Also, like my mom and dad, you may discover that the grass is not greener on the other side.  Both regret their divorce and wish they had gotten counseling to work things out and stay together.

[robon]

Tough one, and not an easy decision to make. I really hope things work out for you and everyone involved in the long haul. Never been married myself, but went through two divorces as a kid from the time I was 8 to 15. Similar scenario as yourself. I spent my first 8 years or so on an acreage/farm and ended up moving to town when my Dad left and my Mom remarried. One thing I do know is that kids pick up on when things aren't working out at a young age, and looking back, I would rather my parents be apart than be together and unhappy. I can remember when I was around 7 years old  and just sensing something was not right, and it had an impact. It's not selfish to move on if you don't think the relationship is salvageable.

While this is obviously not optimal or easy, you are are in a situation that allows you to remain quite involved, which frequently isn't the case, so this is a major positive in an otherwise very unfortunate scenario.

[Weasels wake]

Love the picture, it's perfect!

Been there, done that, got the stained and torn tee shirt.
Just gotta roll with it, and never talk bad to your daughter about her mom, never!
Do that, and don't get aggressive out there in the meat market, just take your time, and it will all work out.
I maintained a great relationship with my 10 year old, at the time of the split, and tried to never speak ill of her mom.  As she got older, she'd try to bait me into saying something bad about her, or agreeing with her when she would say something bad about her.  That is some very thin ice, walk very carefully.
These things really matter in so many ways.
I got remarried about 14 years later, couldn't be happier.  My ex got remarried about 2 years later, divorced again after about 6 years, now lives with a guy that I feel very sorry for.

You'll be fine.

[Bean]

I'm with Zoo on this.  Make sure you've exhausted all avenues for staying together including counseling.  If that fails, consider using a divorce mediator that you are both comfortable with. 

Talk to an attorney before you make any lifestyle changes especially moving out of your family home. 

[stoneaxe]

Sorry to hear. Has to be a tough choice. I've never come close. My wife and I have had our share of arguments but always make up. I truthfully can't imagine life without my her. We've been together since we were 17 and love her more than ever....I got very lucky.

It sounds to me like you still care. The decision is yours alone but make sure you've looked as deep at it as you can. Soul searching time for sure....good luck man however you choose.

[robon]

Should have added that is one of the best pictures I have ever seen on here. Incredible. Hope you have that blown up and framed.

[supthecreek]

Hi XLR8

My wife left when my kids were 4 & 7. She eventually married the guy that she left for.
I was devastated, but life goes on.... I resolved to make every decision and take every action that would be best for my 2 daughters and show them how to handle lifes challenges.
I did not leave the house. She went to her Mom's with the kids.
2 days later, she said she couldn't live with her Mom.
I said, you are welcome to take over the upstairs for your own. Which she did foe a year, till her Mom bought her a house.

We ate meals together, went to dinner and events as a family and were always friendly..... but it was OVER.... never anything more than friends. Done.
The kids got to see that the divorce was NOT the end of the family, so they adjusted painlessly as though nothing had happened.
When she moved to her own house, the kids split time evenly and we continued to attend every event together. Me, her and her future husband. We all sat together comfortably.
The kids only had to look in one place to see their family.... not over here, then over there.

With a 50 Acre farm, and the necessity to be available when Mom is away, it seems to make a LOT of sense to set up camp on the property with a privacy buffer zone.
For me that was not an issue because I committed to NOT dating any women while my kids were young.
I was 50..... any women I would date would most likely have kids and an ex..... I didn't want to bring someone else's drama into my kids life. And I never did.
The new guy in my wife life never came to my house and never tried to interfere with how we raised our kids.

We are all still friends, and I spend every holiday at their house, so my kids family is intact for special events.

Bottom line.... our kids have never shown any ill affects from the divorce.... which came 2 years after she left me.

I let it go, did not harbor anger or dwell on negative thoughts..... that freed me from the usual anger and bitterness that comes from being dumped.
I got on with my life and didn't suffer the pain that bitterness brings.

I also told my wife when she left.... let's do this without a lawyer.... they will make this a battle, and I have never lost a battle. I don't want to fight.... lets do this together, like we got into it.
Her friends pushed hard for lawyers... but my willingness to let her go helped keep her and I from the normal divorce wars.

The Judge commended us.... we had NO court interference with custody... it was left entirely up to us... per agreement.
I never had to pay alimony and we shared all children's expense's evenly, right through college.

Being mature and realizing the horrible reality of a court ordered life helped both of us do the best things for our kids. Courts, lawyers and social services suck the life out of people..... do whatever it takes to keep your divorce civil, reasonable, responsible  and focused on the needs of your kids, not each other.

When you let it go.... you allow yourself to move on to a happy life.

Whatever it takes.... you know her.... find a way to help her understand how SHE will live a much better life if you can get out of your marrige like you got into it..... together. Because you will ALWAYS be linked by your daughter. The family NEVER ends... it just gets rearranged.

I am sure that you already know this stuff because you show understanding of her needs, and how tough this COULD be for her. Kudos.

My very best wishes for you, your wife and your daughter..... always a family.... even after divorce.

[SlatchJim]

It's a cold and stormy dip you're about to take, with little promise of a good time.  Clearly you're thinking long and hard before entering, and probably thinking, why the hell am I in this place here and now.  Second, third and fourth thoughts are running through your mind.  No clean way in, no clean way out.  One beast of a work over is inevitable, with your heartrate spiking, and your body left cold and tired.

The divorce and your picture tell the same story.

[pdxmike]

I'm curious to hear from more people like robon who were kids when their parents divorced.  Also, anyone whose parents didn't, but maybe should have? The idea that people should stay together for the kids' sake is popular, but on the other hand I don't know that I'd want to have been the kid whose parents split as soon as I was out the door, realizing then (or maybe knowing for years) that they'd stayed together only for my sake.  Also, has anyone ever regretted getting divorced?  Anyone in any of those groups probably has valuable insights but might not realize it. 

[Ichabod Spoonbill]

My parents got divorced in the 70s. I had just turned nine. It was a pretty sucky, life-altering experience. I don't know if it was avoidable. My father was/is basically a narcissist who cared more for his politics than the people around him. That said, it made life a lot harder for my brother and me. Our life became about being shuffled back and for between which parent had us when. Plus, my brother and I had to do all the walking back and forth. It wasn't really fun.

When my mother moved from NYC to Florida with my mother and stepfather, things got better, and worse. There was a lot of poverty. Then my brother and I moved back with my father, and things got MUCH worse. He was beginning to become an alcoholic. I was attending one of the best public high schools in the country, but my home life with this unbalanced man was horrendous. I moved out while I was a senior in high school and lived with my godmother rather than spend any more time with that sick man.

I don't know if my mother had much of a choice in divorcing my father. He was a sick person. (The same guy recently stole my entire inheritance.) But it sure had a huge, mostly negative impact on me.

[XLR8]

After posting this last night my first impulse was to try to delete it.  I am glad I let it stay.  This has been a long time coming and I have not moved in haste.  I appreciate reading all of this and hope to see more to help me reflect.  For me, right now...no rash moves, stay the course, do everything on the farm I have always done. Be easier to get along with than ever before.   That's my plan.

[eastbound]

ouch icky--sounds you live right, in spite of the model you had

kudos creek--you managed it as well as i can imagine possible

i wasnt able to do similar, but didnt do too badly, given how idiotically ugly and destructive (often of precious money!) the divorce process can be.

and i cant really add much to the responses--they are all good advice. but i can say, xlr8, that decency comes through your words, and that will carry you and your child well, as you get through the process--and that doesnt mean to lay down and get run over if that is a risk--it means that you wont be fighting for inappropriate unattainable outcomes.

the back and forth kids face is tough, especially when their plates fill in HS with urgent stuff about them. in ny there are rich people who take a huge home in which the kids live, where each ex has their own bedroom and bathroom. kids remain, and the parents move in and out, returning to apts they keep for their "off" weeks. always made sense to me, but i couldnt afford to support 3 living spaces. (and wouldnt have worked with my angry ex anyway) ended up that my ex and I lived in apt buildings 1/10 mile from eachother and from school--not bad--but kids still made us convert the sched to 2 weeks on 2 weeks off to minimize the back and forth.

that said, seems a good idea that you try to have private quarters nearby, if not on the farm you share-

i ate massive amts of crow trying to keep my family together--finally, my wife cheated in a way that made our bad marriage irreparable--it upset me for literally a minute--but was a blessing, and a relief--it was over--i had been left no choice--it gave me resolve to divorce, where i had always resisted thast, and i got it done with a minimum of battle--we lawyered up but never went to court, and got it done in 9 months. my ex is now nil in my life--she sends me a wacko angry email a couple of times a year--i almost never speak of her with my children, and never speak ill of her--maybe that's why i spk of her so little--not much good can be said

main concern re ex is that she not become a burden for my daughters--she got a sick settlement, enough to retire on, but aint the sharpest tool in the drawer, so may run out of money osme day--and she risks falling apart emotionally, something i would not want my girls to have to face.

so regardless of how I feel about my ex--i have a stake in her being ok

[PDLSFR]

I have been divorced for around 8 years now, my daughter is now 12, the split didn't come as a surprise as we knew there was nothing there anymore and we simply where caught in the life routine. My ex had just finished a stint back in college getting her BA and I was settling into a new role in my current job. Long story short she was the one that made the call and left the house. She also stayed with her mother until she found an appartment, and I offered my support by letting her take mostly everything she wanted (except my boards, my TV, the house, and my daughter). So thats when things got tricky, I was the primary caretaker of my daughter since the ex was always either at work or school and never around, I talked her into letting me write the divorce agreement and custody agreement and I was more than fare, I paid her half the value of the equity of our home and assetts, and I alowed for joint physical and legal custody of my daughter. The agreement which is becomming more common is allowing the child to do a full week on and off with each parent, so Friday to Friday back and forth. Luckily my daughter was young (4 at the time) so she adjusted quickly. She asked for the family dog and I let her go, was actually tougher than losing the ex wife. Back to my daughter, she had the occasional why cant you get back together comments over the first few years but then as she grew older realized that it was never her fault (which is a common issue with divorced kids) and eventually enjoyed having the extra attention from me and my family (I won't get into the ex and her remarrage and second child ad thats a while chapter and shit show itself). I often ask my daughter questions about her feelings and just making sure shes happy. Although you'll need to get thru the divorce and legal stuff, use the time to grow as a father and a friend, I found that was the greatest gift of the divorce.

Flip ahead to today, my daughter doesn't like going to her mothers house anymore, she often asks to just stay with me fulltime, without going into details, it's nothing horrific or abuse like, just she has a better quality of life with me, so we had the "talk" about when she gets to high school in less than 2 years, she will be old enough to make that decision. If she still wants to stay with me, I'll draw up a new custody agreement and go back to court (by the way I never used an attorney for anything more than reviewing my paperwork, cost only $250 = an hour of the divorce atty time).

So as many folks here have said, best advice is: never bad mouth the ex in front of the child, be the best most attentive dad you can be, and dont scwabble over money and assetts. And then go out and get back in the game, dating actually became fun again- just dont bring the newbie around the kid unless you plan to have them stick around as the kid will get attached quickly as they will be looking for that mother/family connection.

Good luck and use us zoners as support if needed !

[surfinJ]

A lot of advice to consume here. By the way, classic picture you picked.

I made it past 2 divorces at 11 & 16 yrs old.  Statistics say I'm lucky to be a functioning adult in a long marriage.  Though I did wait till past 30 and swore never to divorce.  Probably got lucky there too.

Kids can feel a parents relationship cool if they stay together.  Or you act academy award style and then they'll be ok at first and pissed/confused later.

If you can stick to the advice the others have given and stay in your daughters life it will be one righteous path. Good luck with your choices.